74 ~ A Walk Of Faith

By Kay Heitsch

I didn't realize it at the time, but now I see I was starting to walk by faith.

Others may not be like me, but when I find something that I like or has been helpful, I want to share it with others.

This new life, in a relationship with the LORD, was amazing! I wanted other people to experience it too. But I didn't know how.

One day, I had the thought of ordering booklets from the Peale Center. I knew how much Dr. Peale's books had meant to me, so I figured his positive booklets on different subjects would be helpful and interesting to others.

I bought a little brown plastic basket and put the little booklets inside. I kept this basket in our van. If I thought someone might like one, I gave it to them. When I went through the drive-through bank, I put one in the bank tube. I've had some very encouraging messages from doing this.

I also put them in the laundry mats, etc. I was excited to share things that had changed my thinking and life.

I'll admit there were times I felt the nudge to give someone a booklet, and negative thoughts came to my mind. Most of the time, I dismissed the negative thought and handed them a booklet anyway.

Now, looking back, I see I was starting on a faith journey. I was slowly learning to walk by faith.

I praise God for giving me the desire and nudges to share this amazing life that Jesus died to give me. It sure has been a walk of faith.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

73 ~ Seeing Life Differently

By Kay Heitsch

As strange as it may seem, I was starting to see life differently. I'm sure it had a lot to do with Dr. Peale's books, Todd's death, my study of the Bible, and the people coming into my life. God was positively using all of these.

One day, a while after Todd's death, I was at the grocery store and noticed an older man who looked confused. Before this time, I'm sure I wouldn't have noticed him at all. Now, I walked over to him and asked if he needed help.

He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and told me his wife had recently died, and he wasn't used to grocery shopping. He said he was having a hard time finding the items he needed.

I shared with him that our son, Todd, had recently died, and even though I was used to going grocery shopping, it seemed harder at times now.

I see now that God gave me this opportunity to notice and help this man, and in return, it helped me too.

I praise God that He used Todd's death to open my eyes to other hurting people. As I helped them, God was helping me.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

72 ~ Two Speciall Visitors

By Kay Heitsch

Two special visitors, Susan and Evy, rode their bikes over to the house quite often.

When the girls arrived, we would sit at the kitchen table and talk. We invited Shannon to join us, but she declined. However, Brandon was 3, and he liked the attention these girls gave him.

Susan and Evy showed me another side of Christianity I hadn't seen before. On one side, I could see these people bringing over food even though they didn't personally know me, were Christians. Now, these two girls showed me another side I didn't know.

Evy and Susan were not preachy in any way. Good thing! However, they did show me love and acceptance.

One day, they brought over a cassette tape of Friends by Michael W. Smith. Of course, I had never heard of him. I was shocked when I heard the song, and the girls said this was Christian music. I thought, maybe I could listen to this kind of music.

I praise God for Evy and Susan. Their friendship meant the world to me. They opened up a door to Christian music that I had never heard before.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

71 ~ Cross Country Team and Motivation

By Kay Heitsch

At Todd's funeral, calling hours in Ohio, I was surprised that several teenagers told me Todd had said I was easy to talk to. So if they ever wanted to talk to someone, they could come over and talk to me.

It wasn't long before teenagers started coming over to talk. I don't remember much of what we discussed, but it was good for me, and I hope it was for them as well.

One day, some members of the Cross Country Team came over and told me they wanted to dedicate their season to Todd. I thought that was so kind. Todd had joined the team after he broke his leg playing football.

Dr. Peale had released a condensed edition of his book The Power of Positive Thinking. I thought this would be a nice gift for each team member. In each, if I remember correctly, I wrote: "Believe In Memory of Todd." What I found interesting was that the team started training without a coach.

Todd liked to run. He'd been running in town-type races since he was in grade school. I would go along with him and make comments that I could walk faster than some of those women ran.

Todd challenged me to put my money where my mouth is and run with him in the next race. Todd's cross-country friends reminded me of this challenge. I was not a runner, but I felt the pressure and decided to do it.

I didn't do any training, but I bought running clothes, so I looked prepared.

The day of the race came, and a guy started to run with me. His mouth never stopped whining and saying how tired he was, etc. I'm not sure what the issue is. Later, I found out his wife won the race. I must have looked like competition, and he was trying to slow me down.

Let's say I finished the race, but I didn't win.

This guy had no idea why I was running that day. But his negative attitude lit a fire in me. Now, like the cross-country team, I have started training without a coach. For the next race, I will be ready.

I praise God, Todd had told these teenagers to come over to the house. I also praise God for giving me the motivation to start running. Exercise is a wonderful way to relieve stress, and I needed that.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

70~ Remembrance Gift

By Kay Heitsch

It's hard to think of what people would want to remember someone by after they pass. One way was to have people choose something from Todd's room.

Some people ask me why Todd never seemed to have a bad day and was almost always happy.

As I gave it some thought, I remembered how Todd and I would read our positive thought for the day from Dr. Peale's Have A Great Day devotional paperback, which I kept on the kitchen counter.

After Todd died, I found some quotes from this positive thought-for-the-day book in a journal he kept. So, I decided to buy these paperback books, write "In Loving Memory of Todd" inside, and give them as a remembrance gift.

Giving people a gift like this was a way God was helping me heal. Little did I know at the time what else God would do with this book.

I praise God that I responded to His prompting to give this little paperback book as a loving memory of Todd.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

69 ~ What Matters Are Memories

By Kay Heitsch

As the days passed, Todd's friends eventually began coming over to the house. I didn't know what to do or say.

When I think back, it was interesting that I suggested what brought me comfort. I suggested that Todd's friends go down to his room.

I didn't care what these friends wanted to do or how long they wanted to stay. Maybe they wanted to lie on Todd's waterbed and think about him as I did. Or look through his closet or drawers and choose something to remember Todd by.

I told these kids they could pick out anything they wanted and show it to me. If it was something I wanted to keep, I would tell them.

I was surprised at some of the things these teenagers chose. Several chose a spike out of Todd's running shoes. Wow!

When I saw this, it opened my eyes. The Lord was showing me that material things don't matter in the end. What matters are the memories these things bring.

I praise God that He opened my eyes to the fact that material things aren't that important in the end.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

68~ Not Why But What

By Kay Heitsch

I was excited when Bill came home from work to try to tell him what had happened to me. Bill walked in with his usual beer. We all deal with death in our own way.

I think Bill was surprised when I announced that I had given Todd and my life to the LORD. I remember saying something like I don't know what I will be doing, but I know God is going to bring something positive out of Todd's death. I added that no one would stand in my way if I believed it was something God wanted me to do. Now I was even surprised I added that!

I had this holy fire burning inside of me. I no longer had the vague feeling I was missing something. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but now that I had given Todd over to the LORD, I was at peace.

I wasn't asking why, I was asking what we (God & myself) can do now to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I chuckle, thinking how Bill would be sitting in his chair watching TV and drinking his beer. I would run out of the bedroom and read some Bible verse that I had just found. I was excited to find verses I never knew were in the Bible.

I praise God for this growing time to get to know Him in a positive way.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

67 ~ Could It Be?

By Kay Heitsch

I wasn't sure what happened when I totally gave Todd and my life to the LORD. I did know something supernatural had taken place, with this amazing feeling of liquid love filling my whole body.

The week before, I had gone to the grocery store and reached for some cereal Todd liked. Realizing I didn't need it anymore, I had grabbed Brandon out of the grocery cart and left everything in the middle of the aisle. This shook me to the core. I couldn't pretend I was fine. The numbness was wearing off, life had gotten real! The nightmare was there, but the numbness and blurred vision were gone.

Now, after this liquid love experience, today was a new day! I didn't know what had happened, but I had a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I wasn't alone. I had hope that God was going to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I did get groceries, which we needed. People stopping by slowed down, but it didn't matter. I had hope! I was getting well.

This vague feeling that something was missing was gone!

Could it be that I had finally found what I was searching for? I totally believe it was. I learned that only God could fill the empty void in life. He wanted a personal relationship with me.

I believe God wants a personal relationship with everyone. He has a plan, and only working with Him will we ever work the plan He has for our lives.

I praise God that He filled the void in my life. I have never been the same.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

66 ~ Liquid Love

By Kay Heitsch

Shortly after Todd's death, I decided to buy a Bible. In his books, Dr. Peale suggested buying a Bible and highlighting verses that speak directly to you.

I didn't want to spend much if I didn't like it, so I bought a cheap paperback. I figured I'd give it a go. I bought some colored markers and pencils and just opened the book.

Every day, when I opened the Bible, I would open it to John 18:38. It read, "What is truth?" I'd say to myself, "That's exactly what I want to know."

It was interesting how many verses seemed to speak directly to me. I started to highlight one verse after another. I was learning a lot and also unlearning things I had been taught that were wrong.

One day, I was reading about the man who had been lying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years, waiting to get well, when the water moved. (John 5:1-9)

I was 38 years old at the time. I wanted to be healed, too, of my emotional pain. Like this man, I enjoyed the attention I received after Todd died. If I moved forward, would this attention stop?

I was at a breaking point. I knew I couldn't go on by myself anymore. I was trying, Lord knows. Putting Dr. Peale's tips into practice was somewhat easy before Todd died. Now it wasn't.

I knelt down and gave Todd and myself to the LORD. I asked Him to please bring something positive out of Todd's death, and if He could use me, I was available. I wanted to get well.

I felt a flood of what I call liquid love flow through my entire body. I knew God was going to heal me and make something positive out of Todd's death.

I praise God for this paperback Bible and for the time I've spent studying it. This book has changed my thinking and life!

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

65 ~ Showing God's Love Through Actions

By Kay Heitsch

After we came home from Michigan and Todd's funeral, one very nice thing was how people brought in food. I was going through the motions of normal life, but not having to figure out what we would eat was a blessing.

One day, a friend was over when a woman stopped by and dropped off a dish of food. I didn't know her. After she left, I asked my friend if she knew her, but she didn't know her either.

We checked the bottom of the dish for a name. There wasn't a name. I told my friend I'd have to wait until she came back for her dish to find out who she was.

A couple of weeks later, she returned for her dish. I felt bad that I didn't know her name, but she explained that her son and Todd ran cross country together. I don't believe we had ever met.

Wow, I thought that was very kind of her to bring over a dish to someone she didn't personally know. I doubted that I would have done the same. This woman reminded me of some of the people in Dr. Peale's books. What makes these people tick?

It was odd, I started to notice some of the people bringing over food were also driving out on Sunday morning. I wondered whether they were going to church. Nice for them, but it wasn't for me.

Many years later, I was in a Sunday School class when this woman who had brought over the dish of food walked in. We were talking about witnessing. For some reason, she spoke up and said she didn't feel comfortable witnessing.

I couldn't hold back! With tears in my eyes, I told everyone how she had come over and brought a dish of food when Todd had died. She didn't know me, and this spoke louder of the love of God than any sermon she could have preached.

I praise God for people who live out their faith and show God's love through their actions.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

64 ~ How On Earth Will I Go On?

By Kay Heitsch

Going back to Ohio after Todd's funeral and leaving Todd's body in Michigan wasn't easy for me.

I was still numb and continued going about the motions of what was now supposed to be a normal life. But it was not normal! Todd was not home. I wanted to scream!

I found myself going down to Todd's room and lying on his waterbed. I had taken Todd's letterman jacket back home after it was in the casket at the funeral. I would hold Todd's jacket because it still had his smell on it.

I buried Todd with his first stuffed animal. I kept it in a bag next to my chair at the funeral home. When everyone left, I lovingly placed his one black and one blue ear dog close to Todd's heart. Now I wanted that dog to hold on to. Maybe it would give me some comfort.

Being numb helped this nightmare to some degree, but it was only a matter of time before I knew the numbness wore off. Then what?

How on this earth was I ever going to go on without Todd?

I praise God for the small everyday things that seemed to help ease this emotional pain. But they were not enough!

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

63 ~ A Phone Call

By Kay Heitsch

While we were in Lapeer for Todd's funeral, I received a phone call. I was not at Bill's dad's when the call came in. Mary Ann relayed the message when I walked in the door.

When Mary Ann told me her name, I recognized it right away. It was the woman who refused to allow me to eat in the cafeteria when I was visiting my ex-roommate after being expelled from the religious boarding school. (If you recall, my Mom drove me from Illinois to Michigan after I was invited to stay the weekend.)

This religious school cafeteria experience added to my bitterness with religion. I wasn't in the mood to hear or deal with this woman again. I had blocked out most of my negative experiences with that religious boarding school. I did not return her call.

Now, as I look back, I half wonder if this lady was calling to apologize for her unkind treatment of a teenage girl who had been invited to stay. I don't know, but I like to believe that is why she called.

I praise God that I can think something positive about the phone call after all these years.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

62 ~ Todd's Funeral

By Kay Heitsch

After the calling hours in Ohio, we had Todd's body brought to Michigan. Since we moved so often, we felt it was best to bury him where Bill's Dad was living.

I didn't request any music for the calling hours at the funeral home in Michigan. If they played any, I don't remember.

However, I do remember when a priest came in drunk. He proceeded to the casket and had a fit when he saw Todd. Todd's casket showed the full body. He mentioned that only the pope's whole body should be seen.

If that wasn't bad enough, he reached for Todd's face. Todd's face had been built up with some material because it was smashed in by the accident. I told him not to touch Todd. He ignored me and put his hand on Todd's face, leaving his handprint on his face.

I already had a bitter attitude towards religion. This did not help!

However, at the funeral service, something changed. There was a minister whom I think either Grandma Z or Aunt Carmeleta hired. I have no idea what he said.

Aunt Carmemleta had given me a cassette tape of some religious music. I liked a couple of songs on the tape, even though I didn't really understand the meaning. One song was, Because He Lives" and the other "Under His Wings". I find this so amazing when I think about it now.

I praise God, He was somehow showing me at Todd's funeral that because He lived, I could face tomorrow.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18