68~ Not Why But What

By Kay Heitsch

I was excited when Bill came home from work to try to tell him what had happened to me. Bill walked in with his usual beer. We all deal with death in our own way.

I think Bill was surprised when I announced that I had given Todd and my life to the LORD. I remember saying something like I don't know what I will be doing, but I know God is going to bring something positive out of Todd's death. I added that no one would stand in my way if I believed it was something God wanted me to do. Now I was even surprised I added that!

I had this holy fire burning inside of me. I no longer had the vague feeling I was missing something. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but now that I had given Todd over to the LORD, I was at peace.

I wasn't asking why, I was asking what we (God & myself) can do now to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I chuckle, thinking how Bill would be sitting in his chair watching TV and drinking his beer. I would run out of the bedroom and read some Bible verse that I had just found. I was excited to find verses I never knew were in the Bible.

I praise God for this growing time to get to know Him in a positive way.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

67 ~ Could It Be?

By Kay Heitsch

I wasn't sure what happened when I totally gave Todd and my life to the LORD. I did know something supernatural had taken place, with this amazing feeling of liquid love filling my whole body.

The week before, I had gone to the grocery store and reached for some cereal Todd liked. Realizing I didn't need it anymore, I had grabbed Brandon out of the grocery cart and left everything in the middle of the aisle. This shook me to the core. I couldn't pretend I was fine. The numbness was wearing off, life had gotten real! The nightmare was there, but the numbness and blurred vision were gone.

Now, after this liquid love experience, today was a new day! I didn't know what had happened, but I had a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I wasn't alone. I had hope that God was going to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I did get groceries, which we needed. People stopping by slowed down, but it didn't matter. I had hope! I was getting well.

This vague feeling that something was missing was gone!

Could it be that I had finally found what I was searching for? I totally believe it was. I learned that only God could fill the empty void in life. He wanted a personal relationship with me.

I believe God wants a personal relationship with everyone. He has a plan, and only working with Him will we ever work the plan He has for our lives.

I praise God that He filled the void in my life. I have never been the same.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

66 ~ Liquid Love

By Kay Heitsch

Shortly after Todd's death, I decided to buy a Bible. In his books, Dr. Peale suggested buying a Bible and highlighting verses that speak directly to you.

I didn't want to spend much if I didn't like it, so I bought a cheap paperback. I figured I'd give it a go. I bought some colored markers and pencils and just opened the book.

Every day, when I opened the Bible, I would open it to John 18:38. It read, "What is truth?" I'd say to myself, "That's exactly what I want to know."

It was interesting how many verses seemed to speak directly to me. I started to highlight one verse after another. I was learning a lot and also unlearning things I had been taught that were wrong.

One day, I was reading about the man who had been lying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years, waiting to get well, when the water moved. (John 5:1-9)

I was 38 years old at the time. I wanted to be healed, too, of my emotional pain. Like this man, I enjoyed the attention I received after Todd died. If I moved forward, would this attention stop?

I was at a breaking point. I knew I couldn't go on by myself anymore. I was trying, Lord knows. Putting Dr. Peale's tips into practice was somewhat easy before Todd died. Now it wasn't.

I knelt down and gave Todd and myself to the LORD. I asked Him to please bring something positive out of Todd's death, and if He could use me, I was available. I wanted to get well.

I felt a flood of what I call liquid love flow through my entire body. I knew God was going to heal me and make something positive out of Todd's death.

I praise God for this paperback Bible and for the time I've spent studying it. This book has changed my thinking and life!

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

65 ~ Showing God's Love Through Actions

By Kay Heitsch

After we came home from Michigan and Todd's funeral, one very nice thing was how people brought in food. I was going through the motions of normal life, but not having to figure out what we would eat was a blessing.

One day, a friend was over when a woman stopped by and dropped off a dish of food. I didn't know her. After she left, I asked my friend if she knew her, but she didn't know her either.

We checked the bottom of the dish for a name. There wasn't a name. I told my friend I'd have to wait until she came back for her dish to find out who she was.

A couple of weeks later, she returned for her dish. I felt bad that I didn't know her name, but she explained that her son and Todd ran cross country together. I don't believe we had ever met.

Wow, I thought that was very kind of her to bring over a dish to someone she didn't personally know. I doubted that I would have done the same. This woman reminded me of some of the people in Dr. Peale's books. What makes these people tick?

It was odd, I started to notice some of the people bringing over food were also driving out on Sunday morning. I wondered whether they were going to church. Nice for them, but it wasn't for me.

Many years later, I was in a Sunday School class when this woman who had brought over the dish of food walked in. We were talking about witnessing. For some reason, she spoke up and said she didn't feel comfortable witnessing.

I couldn't hold back! With tears in my eyes, I told everyone how she had come over and brought a dish of food when Todd had died. She didn't know me, and this spoke louder of the love of God than any sermon she could have preached.

I praise God for people who live out their faith and show God's love through their actions.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

64 ~ How On Earth Will I Go On?

By Kay Heitsch

Going back to Ohio after Todd's funeral and leaving Todd's body in Michigan wasn't easy for me.

I was still numb and continued going about the motions of what was now supposed to be a normal life. But it was not normal! Todd was not home. I wanted to scream!

I found myself going down to Todd's room and lying on his waterbed. I had taken Todd's letterman jacket back home after it was in the casket at the funeral. I would hold Todd's jacket because it still had his smell on it.

I buried Todd with his first stuffed animal. I kept it in a bag next to my chair at the funeral home. When everyone left, I lovingly placed his one black and one blue ear dog close to Todd's heart. Now I wanted that dog to hold on to. Maybe it would give me some comfort.

Being numb helped this nightmare to some degree, but it was only a matter of time before I knew the numbness wore off. Then what?

How on this earth was I ever going to go on without Todd?

I praise God for the small everyday things that seemed to help ease this emotional pain. But they were not enough!

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

63 ~ A Phone Call

By Kay Heitsch

While we were in Lapeer for Todd's funeral, I received a phone call. I was not at Bill's dad's when the call came in. Mary Ann relayed the message when I walked in the door.

When Mary Ann told me her name, I recognized it right away. It was the woman who refused to allow me to eat in the cafeteria when I was visiting my ex-roommate after being expelled from the religious boarding school. (If you recall, my Mom drove me from Illinois to Michigan after I was invited to stay the weekend.)

This religious school cafeteria experience added to my bitterness with religion. I wasn't in the mood to hear or deal with this woman again. I had blocked out most of my negative experiences with that religious boarding school. I did not return her call.

Now, as I look back, I half wonder if this lady was calling to apologize for her unkind treatment of a teenage girl who had been invited to stay. I don't know, but I like to believe that is why she called.

I praise God that I can think something positive about the phone call after all these years.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

62 ~ Todd's Funeral

By Kay Heitsch

After the calling hours in Ohio, we had Todd's body brought to Michigan. Since we moved so often, we felt it was best to bury him where Bill's Dad was living.

I didn't request any music for the calling hours at the funeral home in Michigan. If they played any, I don't remember.

However, I do remember when a priest came in drunk. He proceeded to the casket and had a fit when he saw Todd. Todd's casket showed the full body. He mentioned that only the pope's whole body should be seen.

If that wasn't bad enough, he reached for Todd's face. Todd's face had been built up with some material because it was smashed in by the accident. I told him not to touch Todd. He ignored me and put his hand on Todd's face, leaving his handprint on his face.

I already had a bitter attitude towards religion. This did not help!

However, at the funeral service, something changed. There was a minister whom I think either Grandma Z or Aunt Carmeleta hired. I have no idea what he said.

Aunt Carmemleta had given me a cassette tape of some religious music. I liked a couple of songs on the tape, even though I didn't really understand the meaning. One song was, Because He Lives" and the other "Under His Wings". I find this so amazing when I think about it now.

I praise God, He was somehow showing me at Todd's funeral that because He lived, I could face tomorrow.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

61 ~ I'll Do It My Way!

By Kay Heitsch

I did not know that God was leading or guiding me. I thought I was doing everything myself.

I was very happy to have found these Dr. Peale books. Putting these tips into practice wasn't that hard. I could see that living this way was adding to my life. But even so, something was still missing.

When Todd died, I was asked what kind of music I wanted played at the calling hours. I remember saying anything but religious music.

I vividly remember the one song, "I Did It My Way," that was played. That was exactly where I was. I didn't need God or anyone else; I was going to do it my way!

However, doing it my way was working pretty well until Todd died. Now the days that followed became harder and harder to do it my way.

There's a Bible verse that says. Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways. Proverbs 20:30 GNT This verse was so true in my case.

I praise the Lord for guiding and helping me even when I thought I was doing it my way.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

60 ~ Inside Information

Kay Heitsch

Little did I know that God was giving me inside information about my future. All I knew was that I felt compelled to study Dr. Peale's books and type out information and tips from them the year before Todd's death.

I could vividly see how the people in these books were living an overcoming life that I at first wanted for myself, and now I wanted it for Todd and others as well.

For some reason, I felt I was going to die. It was very strange. What else was strange was that I began to type "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 at the bottom of these typed pages.

This may not seem strange to you, but I was typing out information and tips because I did not want to see the Bible verses that Dr. Peale quoted in his books. I wanted nothing to do with religion.

I didn't realize I was typing out Philippians 4:13 until after Todd died, and I looked at the pages I had typed. I was shocked to see it!

In the back of my mind, I could see that putting these verses into practice was why these people in Dr. Peals's books were living an overcoming life, but I wasn't there yet.

As I look back, I can see how God was giving me inside information about my future. So when Todd died, I knew to some degree what I would need to do for God to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I praise God that I reacted to God's nudge and did what I believed I was supposed to do. Lord only knows where I would be now.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

59 ~ Cramming For The Test

By Kay Heitsch

Neil was still alive on the first anniversary of my Dad's death. He called and said they were planning a party at the hotel in town to share stories about Dad in his memory. We were invited.

I thought it was cool that people were planning a party in memory of Dad a year after he died. Dad loved to party, so I'm sure he would have enjoyed it. We were living out of the state, and Brandon was a baby, so we didn't attend.

I didn't know why at the time, but the year between this first party for my Dad and the next year, I had a feeling that I was going to die. I didn't tell anyone, but it was on my mind.

I kept all these thoughts to myself, but I knew I wanted to make sure Todd knew about this amazing life I had found from reading Dr. Peale's books.

I began typing out information and tips from these books so Todd would have them to share with Shannon and Brandon when I was gone. Along the way, I shared things with Todd, but I didn't tell him why I was doing it.

Little did I know at the time that I was cramming for the test of my life, I was going to be taking the next year. These tips weren't for Todd, but for me. I had to have these words of wisdom embedded in my brain to deal with Todd's tragic death.

I praise God that He guided me to study diligently that year.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

58 ~ What Are The Odds

By Kay Heitsch

Moving to Dover, Ohio, was tragic and a blessing. I did not know at the time, but as I look back, I can see God leading and teaching me all along.

Each and every move taught me something I needed to know about life. God was showing me the things I thought would fill this emptiness weren't it. I knew for sure some things were not! But others, I figured, would be.

Now here I was in Dover. Brandon was born. Todd and Shannon were happy in the new neighborhood and school. Bill's job was going well.

I joined a Newcomers Club. It was fun to get together with other people who were new to the area. I had a little job of calling people to remind them of what we were going to be doing.

We had lived in two different states, and many years had passed when we were back in Ohio.

Now for a big surprise!

Lo and behold, Dee, the gal who had worked for Bill before, who gave me the baby shower for Todd, and with whom we had partied. just happened to be working in this new store. What are the odds?

I praise God that He had a plan for Dee to be working for Bill once again.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

57 ~ Horrible Accident

By Kay Heitsch

I was happy Neil wanted to buy my Dad's house. I know my Dad would have been very happy too.

Neil not only bought my Dad's house, but he also reopened my Dad's favorite restaurant in town.

I loved stopping in this little restaurant when I was a kid. They had a glass candy counter when you walked in the door. I loved those red wax lips and candy cigarettes.

When Todd died, Neil came to the funeral. We were both relieved that my Dad died before Todd.

Neil also owned other businesses. He was a wheeler-dealer, if you know what I mean. One of his businesses was a tool and dye factory. He supplied parts of some kind to factories.

When one of these companies needed something, Neil would deliver at any time, day or night. From what I was told, Neil went to deliver to a company in another town in the early morning hours.

Neil backed into the dock. Somehow, the truck came out of gear and pushed him into the dock, crushing him. It was horrible! Neil was only 50 years old, and he had 6 children.

I went to his funeral. I have been to a lot of funerals, but none like this. One person after another got up and told stories about how Neil had gone out of his way to help them. It was amazing!

I think back now, and I should have stood up and said something about how wonderful a friend Neil was to my Dad, but I would have been crying too much. I'm sure everyone in town knew the story.

How wonderful it would be if we all were remembered like this.

I praise God that Neil made such a positive impact on so many people's lives.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18