68~ Not Why But What

By Kay Heitsch

I was excited when Bill came home from work to try to tell him what had happened to me. Bill walked in with his usual beer. We all deal with death in our own way.

I think Bill was surprised when I announced that I had given Todd and my life to the LORD. I remember saying something like I don't know what I will be doing, but I know God is going to bring something positive out of Todd's death. I added that no one would stand in my way if I believed it was something God wanted me to do. Now I was even surprised I added that!

I had this holy fire burning inside of me. I no longer had the vague feeling I was missing something. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but now that I had given Todd over to the LORD, I was at peace.

I wasn't asking why, I was asking what we (God & myself) can do now to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I chuckle, thinking how Bill would be sitting in his chair watching TV and drinking his beer. I would run out of the bedroom and read some Bible verse that I had just found. I was excited to find verses I never knew were in the Bible.

I praise God for this growing time to get to know Him in a positive way.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

67 ~ Could It Be?

By Kay Heitsch

I wasn't sure what happened when I totally gave Todd and my life to the LORD. I did know something supernatural had taken place, with this amazing feeling of liquid love filling my whole body.

The week before, I had gone to the grocery store and reached for some cereal Todd liked. Realizing I didn't need it anymore, I had grabbed Brandon out of the grocery cart and left everything in the middle of the aisle. This shook me to the core. I couldn't pretend I was fine. The numbness was wearing off, life had gotten real! The nightmare was there, but the numbness and blurred vision were gone.

Now, after this liquid love experience, today was a new day! I didn't know what had happened, but I had a feeling that everything was going to be alright. I wasn't alone. I had hope that God was going to bring something positive out of Todd's death.

I did get groceries, which we needed. People stopping by slowed down, but it didn't matter. I had hope! I was getting well.

This vague feeling that something was missing was gone!

Could it be that I had finally found what I was searching for? I totally believe it was. I learned that only God could fill the empty void in life. He wanted a personal relationship with me.

I believe God wants a personal relationship with everyone. He has a plan, and only working with Him will we ever work the plan He has for our lives.

I praise God that He filled the void in my life. I have never been the same.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

66 ~ Liquid Love

By Kay Heitsch

Shortly after Todd's death, I decided to buy a Bible. In his books, Dr. Peale suggested buying a Bible and highlighting verses that speak directly to you.

I didn't want to spend much if I didn't like it, so I bought a cheap paperback. I figured I'd give it a go. I bought some colored markers and pencils and just opened the book.

Every day, when I opened the Bible, I would open it to John 18:38. It read, "What is truth?" I'd say to myself, "That's exactly what I want to know."

It was interesting how many verses seemed to speak directly to me. I started to highlight one verse after another. I was learning a lot and also unlearning things I had been taught that were wrong.

One day, I was reading about the man who had been lying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years, waiting to get well, when the water moved. (John 5:1-9)

I was 38 years old at the time. I wanted to be healed, too, of my emotional pain. Like this man, I enjoyed the attention I received after Todd died. If I moved forward, would this attention stop?

I was at a breaking point. I knew I couldn't go on by myself anymore. I was trying, Lord knows. Putting Dr. Peale's tips into practice was somewhat easy before Todd died. Now it wasn't.

I knelt down and gave Todd and myself to the LORD. I asked Him to please bring something positive out of Todd's death, and if He could use me, I was available. I wanted to get well.

I felt a flood of what I call liquid love flow through my entire body. I knew God was going to heal me and make something positive out of Todd's death.

I praise God for this paperback Bible and for the time I've spent studying it. This book has changed my thinking and life!

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

65 ~ Showing God's Love Through Actions

By Kay Heitsch

After we came home from Michigan and Todd's funeral, one very nice thing was how people brought in food. I was going through the motions of normal life, but not having to figure out what we would eat was a blessing.

One day, a friend was over when a woman stopped by and dropped off a dish of food. I didn't know her. After she left, I asked my friend if she knew her, but she didn't know her either.

We checked the bottom of the dish for a name. There wasn't a name. I told my friend I'd have to wait until she came back for her dish to find out who she was.

A couple of weeks later, she returned for her dish. I felt bad that I didn't know her name, but she explained that her son and Todd ran cross country together. I don't believe we had ever met.

Wow, I thought that was very kind of her to bring over a dish to someone she didn't personally know. I doubted that I would have done the same. This woman reminded me of some of the people in Dr. Peale's books. What makes these people tick?

It was odd, I started to notice some of the people bringing over food were also driving out on Sunday morning. I wondered whether they were going to church. Nice for them, but it wasn't for me.

Many years later, I was in a Sunday School class when this woman who had brought over the dish of food walked in. We were talking about witnessing. For some reason, she spoke up and said she didn't feel comfortable witnessing.

I couldn't hold back! With tears in my eyes, I told everyone how she had come over and brought a dish of food when Todd had died. She didn't know me, and this spoke louder of the love of God than any sermon she could have preached.

I praise God for people who live out their faith and show God's love through their actions.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

64 ~ How On Earth Will I Go On?

By Kay Heitsch

Going back to Ohio after Todd's funeral and leaving Todd's body in Michigan wasn't easy for me.

I was still numb and continued going about the motions of what was now supposed to be a normal life. But it was not normal! Todd was not home. I wanted to scream!

I found myself going down to Todd's room and lying on his waterbed. I had taken Todd's letterman jacket back home after it was in the casket at the funeral. I would hold Todd's jacket because it still had his smell on it.

I buried Todd with his first stuffed animal. I kept it in a bag next to my chair at the funeral home. When everyone left, I lovingly placed his one black and one blue ear dog close to Todd's heart. Now I wanted that dog to hold on to. Maybe it would give me some comfort.

Being numb helped this nightmare to some degree, but it was only a matter of time before I knew the numbness wore off. Then what?

How on this earth was I ever going to go on without Todd?

I praise God for the small everyday things that seemed to help ease this emotional pain. But they were not enough!

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

63 ~ A Phone Call

By Kay Heitsch

While we were in Lapeer for Todd's funeral, I received a phone call. I was not at Bill's dad's when the call came in. Mary Ann relayed the message when I walked in the door.

When Mary Ann told me her name, I recognized it right away. It was the woman who refused to allow me to eat in the cafeteria when I was visiting my ex-roommate after being expelled from the religious boarding school. (If you recall, my Mom drove me from Illinois to Michigan after I was invited to stay the weekend.)

This religious school cafeteria experience added to my bitterness with religion. I wasn't in the mood to hear or deal with this woman again. I had blocked out most of my negative experiences with that religious boarding school. I did not return her call.

Now, as I look back, I half wonder if this lady was calling to apologize for her unkind treatment of a teenage girl who had been invited to stay. I don't know, but I like to believe that is why she called.

I praise God that I can think something positive about the phone call after all these years.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18

62 ~ Todd's Funeral

By Kay Heitsch

After the calling hours in Ohio, we had Todd's body brought to Michigan. Since we moved so often, we felt it was best to bury him where Bill's Dad was living.

I didn't request any music for the calling hours at the funeral home in Michigan. If they played any, I don't remember.

However, I do remember when a priest came in drunk. He proceeded to the casket and had a fit when he saw Todd. Todd's casket showed the full body. He mentioned that only the pope's whole body should be seen.

If that wasn't bad enough, he reached for Todd's face. Todd's face had been built up with some material because it was smashed in by the accident. I told him not to touch Todd. He ignored me and put his hand on Todd's face, leaving his handprint on his face.

I already had a bitter attitude towards religion. This did not help!

However, at the funeral service, something changed. There was a minister whom I think either Grandma Z or Aunt Carmeleta hired. I have no idea what he said.

Aunt Carmemleta had given me a cassette tape of some religious music. I liked a couple of songs on the tape, even though I didn't really understand the meaning. One song was, Because He Lives" and the other "Under His Wings". I find this so amazing when I think about it now.

I praise God, He was somehow showing me at Todd's funeral that because He lived, I could face tomorrow.

"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18